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when weakness dominates

I hate days that make me recognize my own ignorance. This whole transparency crap is good, but on days when I feel like an idiot, I want nothing to do with it. Apparently I'm too hopeful and not critical enough, except when it comes to the criticism of myself; then I can't stop being critical. Sometimes I wish I weren't so relationally focused so I could actually understand what's going on in theological, philosophical conversations. I've always had this problem and people look at me like I'm stupid when I tell them I don't understand. I get so upset with myself because I honestly can't think past a certain point. I need people to break it down for me.....and I'm call to be a minister? How does that work? Aren't you supposed to understand theology and philosophy? What does that say about someone who doesn't understand so easily? I thought I was done with feeling this way. When I graduated college, I thought those feelings of inadequacy were over and I could begin to feel comfort and strength in my call. I did, but it doesn't last at long as I need it to. I can't freely engage in theological conversations because I don't want to make blanket assumptions, or make a ill-conceived statement, or appear as ignorant as I feel.

I've always struggled with critical thinking. Even reading books is difficult for me. In school, I greatly struggled with reading comprehension and critical thinking. My ACT scores heavily reflect that fact. It's just not my strength. It takes me awhile to read and fully understand the overall purpose or objective. Also, when I read I anticipate being able to grapple with what is being said. I don't necessarily read a book in order to criticize the author. Like I said, I look for the good and if I don't understand it, I seek out answers in other sources in order to comprehend what is being stated. I don't always have this luxury. What will happen in ministry when I don't have the resources to be able to understand theology and philosophy or a particular author's objective? How will I communicate certain topics to congregants?

I'm so critical of myself and not theologians, philosophers, and authors. It's obnoxious. I know my strengths, but more often than not, my weaknesses play a larger role in my life. I'd really like to feel good about my strengths right now. Then it would give me enough confidence to be able to work on this college bible study lesson.....I hate putting responsibilities on the backburner when my personality is having a hissy fit.

It feels like there isn't much room in the world for optimists. Yes, I understand there are always two sides of the story, but I always look for the good in the situation and hold onto hope. If I were to give that up, I'd go against who I am and what I believe. I'm stubborn enough not to change who I am, but I want so much to be able to understand and think more critically and objectively.

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