With every intention of immediately coming home after the service to make up for my Saturday laziness, my plans changed after a mere mentioning of one word: holocaust. The spanish speaking congregation, El Renuevo, invited our church to come hear their guest speaker who was a holocaust survivor. First of all, anything dealing with that moment in history is intriguing to me for several reasons. So, as soon as I heard the announcement, I began changing all of my plans for the day. After the first service, Ton and I ventured out for some caffeine rejuvenation and to just chat. We went our separate ways and I then pulled into the church parking lot. I told myself, don't be surprised when you're the only white girl here. As soon as I said that, my friend Allison was walking in. Familiarity is nice, especially when you don't anticipate it.
We walked in and the sanctuary was filled with so many faces I never had the opportunity of meeting. I had previously met a few people from the leadership and worship band, but for the most part it was a new experience. I've been to spanish speaking services before, so I was excited. First of all, the worship time was wonderful. Singing with different voices creates a new energy in your soul. The songs were familiar enough that I could sing the spanish lyrics and still understand the purpose of the song. I always feel awkward with new songs in different languages when I don't know what I'm singing. It's silly but I feel pretentious. I'll try it and attempt to translate in my head, but I don't want to appear like I'm singing false words. I want honesty in all I do, even when learning a new language. The message consisted of Peter giving his testimony of surviving the holocaust and what his life was life post-death camp. His torture didn't end there. He suffered injustice upon injustice; so much that I would never think he'd be able to forgive. However, throughout his whole testimony, he would pause and ask us, would you forgive? Had I experienced his life, I don't know that I'd be able to contain my anger and rage and resentment. Forgiveness. Forgive others as you have been forgiven. It's a universal experience that must be reciprocated throughout the body in order to truly begin to understand grace. His message was one of healing - healing our wounds through dropping the grudges we've held over and through forgiving ourselves. It was an emotional time for everyone. Even though I have not experienced such injustice, I was overwhelmed with tears for my brothers and sisters. There was no separation among us; just people who love God and learning to love others. After his testimony, he and the translator wondered through the congregation to pray over people who were clearly responding to the message. Then he offered for people to come to the front for special prayer and even to just give them a hug. That's probably not something the Nazarene church would do. Hey, come to the altar so we can hug you. But for some reason, I thought it was the coolest thing. When you hear such a heavy and powerful testimony that hits home personally, you just need to know someone is there for you, even someone you've never spoken to. Sometimes you just need a hug. As people lined up to receive hugs, I caught a glimpse at how beautiful God's love is. Just hugs. Tears. Sheer emotion. New beginnings. Dios es bien. Todo el tiempo.
During this portion of the service, I was moved to tears...again. Normally, the only time I cry is when my hormones are out of whack. This time it was pure emotion in response to God's people crying out. I prayed for grace, peace, and freedom in my brothers and sisters' lives. Then, without pursuing anything, a flood of emotion took over. All of a sudden I started thinking about my future, where I would be, what ministry would look like. Since engaging in a relationship with Ed, my outlook on ministry has taken a different path. I've become more open to where God leads....That is a bold statement because I like to plan out my future (whether or not I have the discipline to follow). I'm not the kind of person to envision something and claim it was God speaking to me. I'm no prophet. I'm not so charismatic spiritually. Yet, when I dream, I can when it's not my brain concocting something. I'm not sure but I think I felt God calling me in a new direction. Considering Ed's situation with his legal agreement with the UY government, I have this feeling that when we get married, we'll live there, at least for awhile. Slowly, I'm coming to terms with this, but what I've worried about the most is where I would do ministry. I know I'm called to preach, counsel others, be a pastor. I also know my spanish is very weak. I'm terrible with it. I'm trying to learn, but I also lack discipline. So I battle against myself all the time. It's annoying. So if I moved to UY for say a year, then I'd need to learn better conversational spanish and become more open to other ministry opportunities that may not involve a weekly pulpit and office. I've been following my hometown pastor's footsteps and I'm scared to steer off the path because it's safe and predictable (because I've seen it done by him). Yet, the way I feel God calling over time, I may be headed in a different direction and I don't know how to handle that. I know God doesn't call people who know what to expect and who know it all. He calls Jonah's, Moses', Paul's, Melissa's.
Throughout the service I noticed several theological issues. It may just stem from not having further education. When someone mentions Benny Hin as anything but a corrupt spiritual leader, I get paranoid. The man may have some good things to say occasionally, but he's messed up. So when people mention key televangelists and misunderstood characters who should not be praised, I get worried that we're headed in a different direction than where God wants us. So maybe God is calling me to take my education into a different country and doing something about my faith. James encourages and commands that we practice what we preach. Who am I if I don't go when I'm called? I don't want to flee like Jonah. I want to follow Christ's footsteps even when it means great self sacrifice. I'm scared out of my mind. I like familiarity. I like knowing what tomorrow holds. I like complacency. I like understanding the language. So maybe I'm just called to complete discomfort. I know Ed will love and support me. I know his family will do the same. It's not like I'll be completely alone. It's not a foreign concept for me to face huge challenges. Normally I plow through the walls with God's assistance. Is this a wall I must face? I may have my education and my faith, but now I need the words....spanish words and discipline.
We walked in and the sanctuary was filled with so many faces I never had the opportunity of meeting. I had previously met a few people from the leadership and worship band, but for the most part it was a new experience. I've been to spanish speaking services before, so I was excited. First of all, the worship time was wonderful. Singing with different voices creates a new energy in your soul. The songs were familiar enough that I could sing the spanish lyrics and still understand the purpose of the song. I always feel awkward with new songs in different languages when I don't know what I'm singing. It's silly but I feel pretentious. I'll try it and attempt to translate in my head, but I don't want to appear like I'm singing false words. I want honesty in all I do, even when learning a new language. The message consisted of Peter giving his testimony of surviving the holocaust and what his life was life post-death camp. His torture didn't end there. He suffered injustice upon injustice; so much that I would never think he'd be able to forgive. However, throughout his whole testimony, he would pause and ask us, would you forgive? Had I experienced his life, I don't know that I'd be able to contain my anger and rage and resentment. Forgiveness. Forgive others as you have been forgiven. It's a universal experience that must be reciprocated throughout the body in order to truly begin to understand grace. His message was one of healing - healing our wounds through dropping the grudges we've held over and through forgiving ourselves. It was an emotional time for everyone. Even though I have not experienced such injustice, I was overwhelmed with tears for my brothers and sisters. There was no separation among us; just people who love God and learning to love others. After his testimony, he and the translator wondered through the congregation to pray over people who were clearly responding to the message. Then he offered for people to come to the front for special prayer and even to just give them a hug. That's probably not something the Nazarene church would do. Hey, come to the altar so we can hug you. But for some reason, I thought it was the coolest thing. When you hear such a heavy and powerful testimony that hits home personally, you just need to know someone is there for you, even someone you've never spoken to. Sometimes you just need a hug. As people lined up to receive hugs, I caught a glimpse at how beautiful God's love is. Just hugs. Tears. Sheer emotion. New beginnings. Dios es bien. Todo el tiempo.
During this portion of the service, I was moved to tears...again. Normally, the only time I cry is when my hormones are out of whack. This time it was pure emotion in response to God's people crying out. I prayed for grace, peace, and freedom in my brothers and sisters' lives. Then, without pursuing anything, a flood of emotion took over. All of a sudden I started thinking about my future, where I would be, what ministry would look like. Since engaging in a relationship with Ed, my outlook on ministry has taken a different path. I've become more open to where God leads....That is a bold statement because I like to plan out my future (whether or not I have the discipline to follow). I'm not the kind of person to envision something and claim it was God speaking to me. I'm no prophet. I'm not so charismatic spiritually. Yet, when I dream, I can when it's not my brain concocting something. I'm not sure but I think I felt God calling me in a new direction. Considering Ed's situation with his legal agreement with the UY government, I have this feeling that when we get married, we'll live there, at least for awhile. Slowly, I'm coming to terms with this, but what I've worried about the most is where I would do ministry. I know I'm called to preach, counsel others, be a pastor. I also know my spanish is very weak. I'm terrible with it. I'm trying to learn, but I also lack discipline. So I battle against myself all the time. It's annoying. So if I moved to UY for say a year, then I'd need to learn better conversational spanish and become more open to other ministry opportunities that may not involve a weekly pulpit and office. I've been following my hometown pastor's footsteps and I'm scared to steer off the path because it's safe and predictable (because I've seen it done by him). Yet, the way I feel God calling over time, I may be headed in a different direction and I don't know how to handle that. I know God doesn't call people who know what to expect and who know it all. He calls Jonah's, Moses', Paul's, Melissa's.
Throughout the service I noticed several theological issues. It may just stem from not having further education. When someone mentions Benny Hin as anything but a corrupt spiritual leader, I get paranoid. The man may have some good things to say occasionally, but he's messed up. So when people mention key televangelists and misunderstood characters who should not be praised, I get worried that we're headed in a different direction than where God wants us. So maybe God is calling me to take my education into a different country and doing something about my faith. James encourages and commands that we practice what we preach. Who am I if I don't go when I'm called? I don't want to flee like Jonah. I want to follow Christ's footsteps even when it means great self sacrifice. I'm scared out of my mind. I like familiarity. I like knowing what tomorrow holds. I like complacency. I like understanding the language. So maybe I'm just called to complete discomfort. I know Ed will love and support me. I know his family will do the same. It's not like I'll be completely alone. It's not a foreign concept for me to face huge challenges. Normally I plow through the walls with God's assistance. Is this a wall I must face? I may have my education and my faith, but now I need the words....spanish words and discipline.
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