I am bewildered.
God has been speaking to me about forgiveness for quite some time. I've only just been wading through those waters.
Forgiveness is a journey. A few weeks ago, I experienced a breakthrough in my spiritual walk - to forgive the perpetrators of injustice, to forgive myself for the perpetual guilt and shame I have carried for years. Much had happened to bring me to that point of just being done with lugging around that weight. I was fed up with dragging the baggage around everywhere I went, a badge of pain and dishonor. I was done with it. So I put it down with no intentions of picking it back up.
And then I tried to pick it back up. I wanted to use it as an excuse for my indignation, to weaponize it in order to punish the criminal for dragging me through utter pain and desolation of faith...or what I thought was faith. I so wanted to drag their names through the mud. I wanted them to pay the consequences of what they forced me to experience...the broken trust...the blemished title...the corrupt history...the disgrace of it all...
But God said no. No more grasping for retribution. No more living in a world of an eye for an eye. It is finished. The chaos I had allowed to become my story is forgiven. The misery of missed opportunities and disappointment is gone.
On Sunday, Greg walked us through a scope of scripture in an effort to name some ways we manipulate its purpose to justify our actions or inactions. As he approached the topic of violence, he said, "God calls us to love the world as He has loved the world, the same sacrificial love that is displayed on the cross. And Jesus' plan of redeeming the world of violence is not through violence, but through grace and being peacemakers. That is his 100% clear vision for changing the world. If we are going to be his family and be his people and be in his mission in the world, then we have to allow that reality to change us, because living like that is unbelievably hard."
It dawned on me that I was still punishing my offenders. If anyone asked me about the situations or what lead to those moments, I would swell up with fear, guilt, shame, and apprehension. I was ready to defend myself and to throw "them" under the bus. The breakthrough of forgiveness I experienced just a week prior was still processing. It's this vacillation of forgiveness - to decide whether or not to live into grace and allow it to do its good work even in this pain. It's a constant back-and-forth of readiness and fear. And I realized just how long I had been living in this unhealthy rhythm.
Today I had brunch with a friend who reminded me of the beauty of diving deep into the waters of grace. She handed me a bright pink gift bag. I unearthed from it a framed quote. She had come across it in her magazine and immediately thought of me. Little did she know I had attended the very event that was mentioned last November and remembered being struck by this exact statement by Eva Kor.
"I have forgiven him. I have forgiven the Nazis. I didn't set out to, I just stumbled on that idea, but the minute I did, all the hurt lifted from me. Forgiveness is my power to use any way I wish, so if anyone has made you angry or hurt your feelings, you have the power to forgive them, not just for them, but for you. Once you're a victim you cannot change it, but I forgive because I deserve to be free. It's an act of self-empowerment." (Eva Kor, Holocaust Survivor, spoke on campus Nov. 12, 2018)
As I read it, tears poured from my eyes. This journey of forgiveness is not done in isolation. God knits together this incredible community who chooses to walk with us towards grace. If we're listening, God is speaking gifts of freedom into our lives.
God has been speaking to me about forgiveness for quite some time. I've only just been wading through those waters.
Forgiveness is a journey. A few weeks ago, I experienced a breakthrough in my spiritual walk - to forgive the perpetrators of injustice, to forgive myself for the perpetual guilt and shame I have carried for years. Much had happened to bring me to that point of just being done with lugging around that weight. I was fed up with dragging the baggage around everywhere I went, a badge of pain and dishonor. I was done with it. So I put it down with no intentions of picking it back up.
And then I tried to pick it back up. I wanted to use it as an excuse for my indignation, to weaponize it in order to punish the criminal for dragging me through utter pain and desolation of faith...or what I thought was faith. I so wanted to drag their names through the mud. I wanted them to pay the consequences of what they forced me to experience...the broken trust...the blemished title...the corrupt history...the disgrace of it all...
But God said no. No more grasping for retribution. No more living in a world of an eye for an eye. It is finished. The chaos I had allowed to become my story is forgiven. The misery of missed opportunities and disappointment is gone.
On Sunday, Greg walked us through a scope of scripture in an effort to name some ways we manipulate its purpose to justify our actions or inactions. As he approached the topic of violence, he said, "God calls us to love the world as He has loved the world, the same sacrificial love that is displayed on the cross. And Jesus' plan of redeeming the world of violence is not through violence, but through grace and being peacemakers. That is his 100% clear vision for changing the world. If we are going to be his family and be his people and be in his mission in the world, then we have to allow that reality to change us, because living like that is unbelievably hard."
It dawned on me that I was still punishing my offenders. If anyone asked me about the situations or what lead to those moments, I would swell up with fear, guilt, shame, and apprehension. I was ready to defend myself and to throw "them" under the bus. The breakthrough of forgiveness I experienced just a week prior was still processing. It's this vacillation of forgiveness - to decide whether or not to live into grace and allow it to do its good work even in this pain. It's a constant back-and-forth of readiness and fear. And I realized just how long I had been living in this unhealthy rhythm.
Today I had brunch with a friend who reminded me of the beauty of diving deep into the waters of grace. She handed me a bright pink gift bag. I unearthed from it a framed quote. She had come across it in her magazine and immediately thought of me. Little did she know I had attended the very event that was mentioned last November and remembered being struck by this exact statement by Eva Kor.
"I have forgiven him. I have forgiven the Nazis. I didn't set out to, I just stumbled on that idea, but the minute I did, all the hurt lifted from me. Forgiveness is my power to use any way I wish, so if anyone has made you angry or hurt your feelings, you have the power to forgive them, not just for them, but for you. Once you're a victim you cannot change it, but I forgive because I deserve to be free. It's an act of self-empowerment." (Eva Kor, Holocaust Survivor, spoke on campus Nov. 12, 2018)
As I read it, tears poured from my eyes. This journey of forgiveness is not done in isolation. God knits together this incredible community who chooses to walk with us towards grace. If we're listening, God is speaking gifts of freedom into our lives.
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