The last few days I've felt so helpless and hopeless. Part of who I am is that I believe in humanity. I suppose I have set myself up for a failure all these years. Perhaps my belief in humanity has been holding me back from my full belief in God. I've always believed that each person has some good in them; some are just better at hiding it than others. While I have wonderful friends who've really aided me recently, I still question the whole of humanity. Are we intrinsically good or evil or neutral? Are we just sitting ducks waiting for corruption to take over or are we eagerly looking for a Savior?
It requires so much effort and will to become vulnerable. In relationships. In communication. In self-examination. Lately, I have let my guard down and have felt broken, distant, and confused. I felt like so many walls were assembling themselves and I had absolutely no control over it. I like control. I like knowing I have the power to change the situation or allow it to remain constant. I like knowing. I DESPISE not knowing. I hate the 'what if' game. I vowed to give that up long ago and slowly it has been creeping in and infesting small, empty crevices of my mind. Yes, I know. Trust God to take care of it. Don't worry. Blah, blah, blah. Those are bandaid excuses for a problem that necessitates immediate answers which solve the problem. I don't want your bandaids. I want answers.
I don't like becoming so vulnerable, especially from a distant. My boyfriend lives in a different country. While it's exotic and fun to flaunt, it sucks. Couples were meant to spend significant time together, one on one, learning about and from each other, engaging in meaningless and intense conversations, exposing our hearts and minds, and enjoying each other's presence. Presence. You have no idea how important that is until you don't have it. When you're walking through the aisles of the grocery store and you call a friend just to talk so you won't feel so lonely. When you listen to your favorite cheesy love songs on the radio and wish you had a hand to reach out for. When you're sitting on the couch after a long day of classes and work and all you need is a touch. Presence. When you don't have it, you feel utterly alone, broken, helpless, vulnerable. It's good to be vulnerable but not when you don't feel it being reciprocated. I'm hurt. I can't blame my boyfriend because he's in the same situation. But I do blame him. I have to have some type of control and someone/where to place my anger. There are things I cannot control and I need someone to take the heat of my anger because the people who are truly at fault won't care, listen, or agree. So I'm angry. I'm angry I only see him twice a year, and only when I spend $1,000 to fly down to see him. I'm not wasting my money but, because of the government, I feel like I'm the only one sacrificing time and money. I'm angry that my only form of communication is sought through the internet. I can't text him at random or let him know I'll be late getting home or tell him something funny or say I love you. I rely on Skype, email, facebook. It's disgusting when you think about it. I have a boyfriend. We try to talk once a day, through the internet. I cannot make eye contact with him. I cannot feel his touch. I have to drop a load of money for presence. I don't care if "that's the way things are" or "don't worry, it'll be ok", that's wrong and I'm letting the world know. Humanity is wrong. I admit I'm wrong at times. WOW, who would have thought?! Maybe you're wrong too.
Tonight, I really looked forward to skyping my boyfriend. We hadn't talked too much the last few days. It feels different when you just type to each other rather than seeing each other's face on the computer screen. Even though you are having a conversation, it doesn't feel like it. It feels like you logged into a chatroom in the 2000s and started talking to a random person. It feels distant no matter how intentional you are. So when you have the opportunity to talk to someone on face chat, it brings the conversation to a new level. Tonight I was a little late to our conversation, but I had no way of letting him know because I can't text him. So, I thought for sure I'd have a message waiting in my inbox or on skype or facebook. Nothing. Not even a text message to let me know there was a change of plans. We planned to talk at a specific time. He normally lets me know if things change so I can know what to expect. He knows this about my personality. Just do it out of courtesy so I don't wonder what happened and feel ignored. I know, I may be taking things out of context, he may have been busy. BULL. He always finds the time to send me a message to let me know. This is just one time. I know. But this week I've been feeling so overwhelmed, so terribly vulnerable, broken, hopeless, helpless. I needed him to come through for me. I needed him to lift my spirits. I needed him to follow through. I get nothing. No apologies. No clarifications. Nothing. I just really needed him to be on the other end of the skype message to let me know what was going on. Just simple communication. If I can't have your presence, I can at least have your communication. When I'm allowing myself to open up, become vulnerable, and really realize that I need you, you should see when I'm not in a good place and be intentional about following through just because I need you to. Down the road, I'll be just fine. Right now, I need you. And you weren't there to just say something....
I hate being vulnerable when I throw out a line and no one picks it up....
I also hate being a girl who is independent, stubborn and strong-willed, then excusing myself from that to become the girl who needs a hero and is left waiting, wondering, and pacing the floors.
It requires so much effort and will to become vulnerable. In relationships. In communication. In self-examination. Lately, I have let my guard down and have felt broken, distant, and confused. I felt like so many walls were assembling themselves and I had absolutely no control over it. I like control. I like knowing I have the power to change the situation or allow it to remain constant. I like knowing. I DESPISE not knowing. I hate the 'what if' game. I vowed to give that up long ago and slowly it has been creeping in and infesting small, empty crevices of my mind. Yes, I know. Trust God to take care of it. Don't worry. Blah, blah, blah. Those are bandaid excuses for a problem that necessitates immediate answers which solve the problem. I don't want your bandaids. I want answers.
I don't like becoming so vulnerable, especially from a distant. My boyfriend lives in a different country. While it's exotic and fun to flaunt, it sucks. Couples were meant to spend significant time together, one on one, learning about and from each other, engaging in meaningless and intense conversations, exposing our hearts and minds, and enjoying each other's presence. Presence. You have no idea how important that is until you don't have it. When you're walking through the aisles of the grocery store and you call a friend just to talk so you won't feel so lonely. When you listen to your favorite cheesy love songs on the radio and wish you had a hand to reach out for. When you're sitting on the couch after a long day of classes and work and all you need is a touch. Presence. When you don't have it, you feel utterly alone, broken, helpless, vulnerable. It's good to be vulnerable but not when you don't feel it being reciprocated. I'm hurt. I can't blame my boyfriend because he's in the same situation. But I do blame him. I have to have some type of control and someone/where to place my anger. There are things I cannot control and I need someone to take the heat of my anger because the people who are truly at fault won't care, listen, or agree. So I'm angry. I'm angry I only see him twice a year, and only when I spend $1,000 to fly down to see him. I'm not wasting my money but, because of the government, I feel like I'm the only one sacrificing time and money. I'm angry that my only form of communication is sought through the internet. I can't text him at random or let him know I'll be late getting home or tell him something funny or say I love you. I rely on Skype, email, facebook. It's disgusting when you think about it. I have a boyfriend. We try to talk once a day, through the internet. I cannot make eye contact with him. I cannot feel his touch. I have to drop a load of money for presence. I don't care if "that's the way things are" or "don't worry, it'll be ok", that's wrong and I'm letting the world know. Humanity is wrong. I admit I'm wrong at times. WOW, who would have thought?! Maybe you're wrong too.
Tonight, I really looked forward to skyping my boyfriend. We hadn't talked too much the last few days. It feels different when you just type to each other rather than seeing each other's face on the computer screen. Even though you are having a conversation, it doesn't feel like it. It feels like you logged into a chatroom in the 2000s and started talking to a random person. It feels distant no matter how intentional you are. So when you have the opportunity to talk to someone on face chat, it brings the conversation to a new level. Tonight I was a little late to our conversation, but I had no way of letting him know because I can't text him. So, I thought for sure I'd have a message waiting in my inbox or on skype or facebook. Nothing. Not even a text message to let me know there was a change of plans. We planned to talk at a specific time. He normally lets me know if things change so I can know what to expect. He knows this about my personality. Just do it out of courtesy so I don't wonder what happened and feel ignored. I know, I may be taking things out of context, he may have been busy. BULL. He always finds the time to send me a message to let me know. This is just one time. I know. But this week I've been feeling so overwhelmed, so terribly vulnerable, broken, hopeless, helpless. I needed him to come through for me. I needed him to lift my spirits. I needed him to follow through. I get nothing. No apologies. No clarifications. Nothing. I just really needed him to be on the other end of the skype message to let me know what was going on. Just simple communication. If I can't have your presence, I can at least have your communication. When I'm allowing myself to open up, become vulnerable, and really realize that I need you, you should see when I'm not in a good place and be intentional about following through just because I need you to. Down the road, I'll be just fine. Right now, I need you. And you weren't there to just say something....
I hate being vulnerable when I throw out a line and no one picks it up....
I also hate being a girl who is independent, stubborn and strong-willed, then excusing myself from that to become the girl who needs a hero and is left waiting, wondering, and pacing the floors.
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